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The Accidental Orgasm


Our ancestors huddled in caves, fled from sabre-toothed tigers, ate roasted lizard, and died at 35. Female sexual satisfaction was not much on their minds.

The first man to elicit an orgasm from a female partner may have had a eureka! moment much like that of the guy who ate the first oyster or lit the first campfire. But I’m betting he didn’t know what a momentous discovery he’d made.

HE:  “What the #*%!^?*!? is the matter with you?”

SHE: “I just felt incredibly, fantastically good there for a few moments…”

HE:  “Well, put a sock in it next time. Your shrieking interrupts my concentration.”


Civilization has passed through many millennia, all of them sympathetic to male supremacy. Now, in the Age of Information Glut, every sentient man knows women are not only capable of orgasms, but insist on them. Staring out from magazines, newspapers, and screens of every size and resolution are the faces of super-confident hotties whose message is plainly, “If you don’t get me off, pal, you’re gone.”

Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package. These days accidental orgasm is passé, an embarrassment, a sign that a man is not doing his job.


Female self-affirmation has unleashed a tidal wave of performance anxiety. Men who once feared mere death now live in terror of erectile dysfunction.  It’s not just grandpas who are using Viagra. Studies suggest that younger men too experience E.D.  For those with no physical ailment, the cause is most often fear of comparison, fear of not — er– measuring up.

Old guys’ E.D. is more physical than emotional.  University of Chicago researchers say about one-third of American men 50-65 suffer from E.D. and from ages 65 to 85 the figure jumps to 44 percent. Older men aren’t reporting the kind of performance anxiety that comes from fear of comparison, partly because they’ve had time to hone their skills in long-term marriages or in multiple relationships over time.  And unless they’re wooing women young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters, they can count on the understanding of women partners mature enough to have been through the same wars.


For old guys it’s not performance anxiety. It’s fear of the Last Erection. When a man of 60 experiences a temporary limp-out he’s positive that this is the moment he’s dreaded for the last decade. OMG my last erection was THE last.

This sort of flawed thinking can introduce anxiousness into otherwise vigorous and spontaneous lovemaking.  If only the order were reversed – first the ejaculation, then the foreplay!  Getting rid of the Big If right away, senior men could relax and focus more happily on the ecstasy-inducing moves the modern woman requires.

We don’t want it that way, of course. Women have had enough of being the afterthought. But ironically, we senior gals can benefit from Big If stress, because guys who are bummed about not having the rock-hard erections they had in their 20s will simply try harder to please, which means they won’t be settling for the accidental orgasm — and neither will you.


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'The Accidental Orgasm' have 17 comments

  1. February 1, 2016 @ 10:16 am Randi

    I’m looking for that liberated male who actually gets it.

  2. August 8, 2013 @ 10:42 am Sienna

    Metta – you’re so right about inhibition! Millions of American women suffer because they cannot achieve the body ideals of our youth-obsessed culture. On the male side, too many 50-year-old men believe erectile disfunction is just around the corner; Viagra and Cialis ad models tend to be about 55 – what a travesty! Thanks loads for your comment!

  3. August 8, 2013 @ 9:29 am Metta

    I bet that in cavemen days, it was normal for women to have orgasms. It’s inhibitions that cause women not to have orgasms now. Society teaches women to inhibit their sexuality. Otherwise women probably would be even more sexual than are men since women have the physical capability to have many orgasms in a row, while men need a period of rest between orgasms. In many so-called primitive cultures, it’s expected that women have orgasms during intercourse.

  4. April 28, 2013 @ 10:58 am COCOPUFF

    I can’t hardly type for laughing at Percy that’s what scares me about an old guy not his last erection his last breath.

  5. April 22, 2013 @ 4:41 pm Percy

    At my age, I don’t live in fear of the last erection. I live in fear of the last breath.

  6. August 19, 2012 @ 8:08 am Sienna

    Walker, it sounds as though your sexual fulfillment with an older man owes much to your sensitivity and caring. He’s a really lucky guy.

  7. August 13, 2012 @ 8:43 pm May

    I agree that the most important sex is the brain. Great post, Sienna.

  8. August 5, 2012 @ 7:31 am Walker aka The Diva of Dating

    I see a 63 year old man who uses Levitra. It gets rid of all of that anxiety. Actually we are both pretty turned on by the side effects from it–getting his youthful erection back has meant we can play around longer, sustain intercourse longer and he seems to have an increased sense of virility. Before he started taking it, at my gentle urging, we just varied how he got his satisfaction. So that the focus was on pleasure rather than failure.

    Sienna,you mention wishing foreplay could come later once the erection concerns are no longer relevant. I’ve thought that too, but I’ve found that many men are all played out by the time they’ve had an orgasm and seem to lack the stamina or the will to take the time to bring their partner to her climax.

  9. June 13, 2012 @ 5:12 am Tracey

    Performance anxiety is the worst threat to good sex, and I’ve experienced it all my life, not just now when I’m older and my partners are older. In fact in my limited experience older men are less bothered by it than they should be hahaha.

  10. June 12, 2012 @ 6:28 pm Penelope

    Loved this posting. I know plenty of women who don’t even care about an orgasm anymore. Are they old or just dead??!! Sex can be good at any age. Especially with patience and a long time partner who knows the road map.

  11. June 11, 2012 @ 4:59 pm Sienna

    Oh, Lollipop! This is such a great comment I don’t know where to begin. I certainly applaud your assertion that sex is fun. For many people it’s work (poor things)!
    And imagining what sex must be like for a guy — what a hoot!

  12. June 11, 2012 @ 2:41 pm Lollipop

    This is such a good posting!
    Even though there’s nothing quite like the real thing, when the Hydraulic System has been fucked (or in this case, can’t), hugging and cuddling make for a good alternative. A woman’s understanding and empathy go a long way here——the only good referent to Accept No Substitutes is human attention and kindness.
    When I was in my twenties I tried to imagine what sex must be like for a guy, with all the pleasure concentrated onto one organ. It was hard to imagine, and, as a “vessel,” it was hard to identify with performance anxiety. From my questions and experiments it was clear that my nipples were a lot more sensitive than were his, that my ears were a lot more ticklish, that my skin was aroused by much lighter touches. I was happy that these good sensations were spread all about my body. In the lusty days of younger sex (his 20’s, my 40’s!) even then our most important sexual organ was our brain. A good attitude is even more important now that we’re in our later decades. After all, the whole endeavor is just for fun.

  13. June 10, 2012 @ 1:49 pm Molly Campbell

    Interesting. I’ll share this with all the “old guys” I know…

  14. June 10, 2012 @ 1:23 pm Tracey

    Another super cool post about something we all think about.

  15. June 6, 2012 @ 7:48 am Pollyanna

    I know about the last erection fear. I’ve sometimes felt like I’m part of a sex lab experiment. Among all the sighing you can almost hear the sigh of relief. This is really a good post about an important subject, and it’s funny at the same time.

  16. June 5, 2012 @ 12:11 pm Alicia

    This is terrific! I know men who are constantly stressed about performance, and it takes all my strength to be responsive and supportive. I guess I’m willing to do it, though, because I like sex and I’m not going to get any younger and neither are my sex partners. It’s a reminder that you can’t have everything.

  17. June 5, 2012 @ 10:43 am Ellie

    I’m not sure everybody knows what a clitoris is. My ex-husband never found out.

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