Can You Talk Dirty If You’re Old?
A minister friend of mine, a Methodist (not his real denomination), confessed to me that he had visited a sex therapist. He was desperate to return passion to his 34-year old marriage. The therapist insisted that the key to sexual excitement is dirty talk, and offered some titillating vocabulary. “Call her ‘Pussy Mama’, the expert said. “She’ll go wild.”
On the drive home the good Reverend practiced the phrase, experimenting with various inflections. That night in bed he moved eagerly to embrace his wife, and when the moment seemed right he uttered the magic words.
Her body went rigid. She stopped breathing. Then she started to laugh. Suddenly the two of them were laughing, and they laughed together for fifteen minutes, after which they indulged in the best sex they’d had in decades, even though “Pussy Mama” was not part of their verbal exchange.
AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
Is my pious pal simply too old for dirty-talk sex? No! The failure of “PM” to deliver the desired response is not a function of age but of history. The Reverend knew the language of love, but not this particular dialect. He had never spoken the Lovely Lascivious and didn’t know how to begin.
A talent for dirty talk is not something you pick up easily in your fifth or sixth decade. Old guys who are adept at sex talk usually got comfortable with crude language at a very early age.
The minute I met PASHA and saw how he carried himself, the minute I heard his comic, self-assured way of speaking, I knew he’d have an irreverent vocabulary. His long-ago military service often put him in harm’s way, and when men are on the front line they rarely say, “Aw shucks, here comes a grenade.” I suspected too that by the time he had arrived at puberty he and his pals at l’école française were at ease with the ubiquitous “merde.”
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLANDS
None of the other senior guys in my DATING GALLERY have that bad boy edge. I can’t see them indulging in vulgarity, FIREFLY and STARGAZER especially, because they’re shy and even-tempered. FIGARO is not above an occasional “goddamn” but only when he rails against Republicans.
When PAST PERFECT resorts to “damn” he does so without thinking, but HARVARD YARD injects that same word hoping for effect. STUNT MAN is capable of a breezy “what the hell”. MILO is old-school, and would never swear in front of a lady. Ditto for DR. SHRINK, whose vocabulary strains to stay above the mundane language used by mortals. TV IDOL no way – trash talk is for people with inferior diction. As for both WEBSTALKER and LUST FOR BRAINS, their garbled terminologies defy scrutiny.
Of course sex talk and profanity are not the same thing. They are alike only because they get your attention fast. And because facility in one aids facility in the other. How do they differ? Sex talk is meant to soothe, arouse, and profoundly please. Profanity is for anger, frustration, or gratuitous effect – usually all at the same time, as in “why the f___ is this f___ing phone bill so f___ing high?“
IN PRAISE OF DIRTY TALK
There’s a lot to be said for talking dirty. It’s modern, it’s compact, and resisting it is an uphill battle – culturally, I mean. According to an Associated Press poll, 78% of Americans say they use foul language occasionally or often.
The bottom line is this: if sex talk comes naturally, by all means use it, no matter how old you are. If it doesn’t, don’t go renting porn films in the hope of learning from their laughable audio tracks. Better to stay non-verbal and go with spontaneous moaning.
Finally, if you think the f-word has no place in your bedroom or anywhere else in your life, that it’s only for rappers, hookers, and hit men, consider this scenario:
You’re cuddling on the sofa with your senior man. The lights are low and the background jazz is almost unbearably erotic. You tug at your skirt and cross your legs, flashing a bit of thigh. When you reach for your wine glass your blouse falls open to below the collarbone. “You’re beautiful,” he says, his voice thick with desire. “Let’s have sexual intercourse.”
» Filed Under Dating Gallery, Dealing With Debacles, Senior Men Whimsy, Sex With Old Guys
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17 Responses to “Can You Talk Dirty If You’re Old?”
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So – Do YOU use the F-Word?
I could say that I never never never use the f-word, but my credibility with family members and friends who read this blog would disappear. I mostly use it when I can’t find my car keys.
I am kind of offended by this although I don’t know why exactly. Maybe it’s becuase it seems condescending to those of us who have had satisfying and meaningful relationships that don’t depend on dirty talk. I was married to a wonderful man for 29 years and we didn’t use dirty words. I am not a prude and I don’t mind hearing words like bitch and cunt when I am watching late night TV, but I just don’t think it’s fair to say that you have to talk this way in order to have good sex.
hilarious picture of the good reverand!!
It’s entirely subjective what makes up dirty talk. Some people won’t watch Eddie Murphy because he uses the f-word 300 times in every movie and some people can’t get off without a shower of filthy words. I think there must be a medium ground and that’s where I’d want to be.
dirty depends on who you’re with.
i just ended a relationship with a wonderful lover who refused to leave his abusive wife, but it taught me LOTS about sex as a senior. for the previous 10 years, i’d had only guys with whom i had to “improvise” due to … um … medical disability, and i’d become accustomed to non-penetrating sex, so when i found most recent lover, i thought i’d died and gone to heaven! and the verbal exchanges during our active sessions were phenomenal! somebody else might thin they were dirty or nasty or evil, but saying the words of what i wanted, what he wanted, was incredibly free-ing!
Lynn, you’re a sensitive woman any man would be glad to have as a partner. You really “get it” when it comes to adapting to a situation as a senior and as a sensual woman. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us.
Sex therapists are always telling you to try something new to liven things up, but I can relate to the couple cracking up when they tried something new. Doing something a sex therapist tells you to do usually kills sponteneity, which is something that should be at the heart of every sex act.
Good one. So why can I use the f word liberally in the world and can’t say anything it bed (aside from “oh god”).
I don’t see why dirty words are necessary. Making love is a sacred trust and should be treated that way. Dirty words just cheapen the experience. In fact, I don’t like talk of any kind in bed. If I ever got to that point with any man I wouldn’t continue.
I am 63 and I’ve never heard what you are calling sex talk, but I would certainly like to.
I love this story about the two people cracking up over his suddenly coming out with dirty words for the first time in 38 years. I can just picture it. My husband and I thought of sex as fun and we laughed and joked a lot in bed. I miss having that spontaneity, and what the hell I miss having him (he died 3 years ago)to laugh with and make love with.
This blog is f***ing funny. Great stuff.
The story of the minister is hilarious and would be great as part of a movie script. You’re right, Sienna, when you imply that dirty talk is a skill learned early and practiced until it feels natural. Sanitized sex is a contradiction in terms, so dirty talk is almost necessary IMHO.
Most people who shy away from sex talk are behind the times. It’s not love making when you are a senior.Those days are gone. It’s taking care of your needs & desires, period.
The pictures make this even funnier.
Funny one. Don’t have anyone to talk dirty to, but I think I know what you mean.