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Baskets of Apples

Bad Apples Afloat In The Dating Barrel

WATCH OUT FOR ROGUES

Bad apples are out there, and no matter how smart we think we are, the fact that we are looking for a relationship makes us vulnerble.  Watch out for senior men charlatans; they are dripping with a charm we find hard to resist. Here are some of the things you have to look out for.

HE WANTS YOUR MONEY

Older women are likely to have financial assets, and more than a few have had a fling with someone who has big charm and small cash. Early-on discussion of your bank balance and investments is a bad idea, and it’s wise to avoid mentioning that you drive a BMW or own a beach house.

That a man is interested in your financial situation does not always make him a predator. Internet warnings about men on the prowl for lonely women assume the worst, but sometimes a man wants to know for purely practical reasons. A woman who is financially stable is likely to be happier, more confident, less clingy, less likely to be looking for HIS money.

Examining euro banknote

That being said, RUN DO NOT WALK from a man who says he is: getting back on his feet after a colossal financial failure, recovering from a relationship in which a woman took all his money, looking for a business partner (you), or in need of a “temporary” loan.

HE’S MARRIED OR LIVING WITH SOMEONE

He’s putting off a face to face meeting? He has your phone number but won’t give you his? He’s not available at certain times? You haven’t a clue where he lives? He’s evasive about his lifestyle?  He’s married, or in a relationship.

You’d think we’d be smart enough to avoid a guy like this, but it’s not easy when you have high hopes and he’s gotten under your skin. There are tons of men who are bored with their partners, and who want to inject a little excitement into their lives without risking something as drastic as divorce.  Some of these men list themselves on dating sites as “separated.”  I strongly advise against answering a flirt from a separated man, but if you don’t mind dealing with major angst (his and then yours), go right ahead.

HE WANTS TO MEET YOU ONLY IN SECRET

A few months after I became a widow, a nice looking bachelor I had known for several years began phoning. I was far from being ready to date, but beyond that, something he suggested made me both wary and annoyed. “No one has to know,” he said.
Senior in Mask

Although he seemed to be offering this as a way to prevent gossip about a widow dating so early after her husband’s death, it was more about his style. He was dating another woman, someone I knew. She was crazy about him and cooked lavish meals for him, after which he would bed her and then depart. Their relationship is 3 years old, and he has never once taken her out to dinner or to a movie. I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in a man who doesn’t want to be seen with me.

HE’S OVER-EAGER AND OVER-HEATED

A confession of love after only a few emails and a phone call or two should arouse suspicion — love takes time. Likewise, a man’s assertions that he is eager to have sex with you are inappropriate in the early stages of getting to know you.

Here’s where the motives of a young man differ from those of your old guy. Senior men often feel the need to establish that they are capable of engaging in sex, and they want you to know they’re sensitive / potent / skilled. You’ll have to decide if you want to listen and respond to sex talk or whether you think it’s premature. If the latter, just tell him kindly that you’d like to postpone this conversation until you know each other better.

HE WON’T SEND YOU HIS PHOTO

This means he’s pierced, homely, married, famous, prehistoric, or afraid you won’t like that he’s a Sikh. Photos are important, and your request for his is logical. The reason he gives you for not sending it will be a clue to way more than this refusal. If he says he’d like to do webcam instead, be aware that some awful requests have been made of women who installed webcams expecting something chaste to come of it.

tatoo man-1

HE TRAVELS FOR HIS WORK

If you’re sure he ACTUALLY IS a consulting engineer on an airport project in India, you may tolerate some lags in communication.  Otherwise, if he is unreachable often and for long periods, something is wrong.  Long distance travel is what cell phones and email are for. Even the caves in Afghanistan have wireless. You need to make sure he’s not tucked into his own cave with some other little Honey.

HE IS OVERDEPENDENT ON HIS KIDS

If the desires and opinions of a son or daughter color every conversation you have with your senior man, it may be that the kids are going to call the shots. Do you really want to be humiliated by rejection when you finally meet them?  Most offspring are thrilled when a single parent finds companionship, but a few will regard any new woman as an unwelcome replacement for Mom.  Take early leave of a dad whose habit is letting his kids decide what’s right for him.

HE LIVES IN NIGERIA

I trust you not to be a victim of any one of the infamous Nigerian internet shake-down schemes. And that goes for all the overseas hacker pleas to send money to help some poor guy in distress. Harden your heart a little – not everyone is who he seems to be.

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'Bad Apples Afloat In The Dating Barrel' have 12 comments

  1. May 25, 2015 @ 12:48 pm Sienna

    Not all men are scam artists and unfaithful husbands, but enough of them are to cause us to be very careful about who we tie up with. Thanks for your comment!

  2. May 25, 2015 @ 12:42 pm CRL

    I’ve dated all these men LOL. The worst was also the longest relationship. I figured he was married after I realized that the romantic spots he took me to for dinner were holes in the wall where there was no chance we’d meet someone he knew. I thought they were just romantic.

  3. November 22, 2014 @ 10:15 am Disappointed Big Time

    I only trusted one man not to send a photo before I met him and boy was I sorry. Ugliest man I ever saw, with a personality to match. They sound a lot better than they are. You’re right to warn women to be careful.

  4. July 25, 2014 @ 2:33 pm Alicia

    Not worried about a man being after my money because I haven’t got any, but the married men who pretend they’re single, or evem men who are already living with someone – really a problem.

  5. February 19, 2011 @ 11:55 am Sienna

    Sorry Girl — Thanks for sharing this experience with us. Sometimes the contentment we find in a seemingly solid relationship masks a problem such as the one you endured. Your story is a reminder about how careful we have to be out there.

  6. February 10, 2011 @ 4:39 pm trauma doll

    You seem to have a handle on the problem of senior men. I enjoy reading your commentaries and the comments people leave are unusual. Usually people are just trying to be clever or flatter the blogger, but here there are women who have real comments to make.

  7. April 14, 2010 @ 11:55 am Madame X

    You’re right, but I guess I think it was the sin of misrepresentation. I met him on line and he talked like he was sophisticated and modern. There is nothing worse for me than going out with a man who has no clothes sense. The way people dress nowadays it’s okay when it’s casual, but the first time he put on a suit and tie I was really turned off. It’s not nice to be embarrassed about your friends, but I was.

  8. April 6, 2010 @ 3:55 pm Sienna

    Good point. This must have been a frustrating experience. At least he wasn’t dangerous, except to your aesthetic sensibilities.

  9. April 4, 2010 @ 11:50 am Madame X

    I would add that some men are in a time warp. I dated a guy who wore ties that made him look like an extra from a 1950’s movie. He used Old Spice, too. I gave him a bottle of Armani, which smells fantastic, but he never wore it. He didn’t use a computer, and he wouldn’t go to a restaurant if it had arugula on the menu. He was otherwise very good company, but I couldn’t stand it and I broke it off. It’s funny but I never missed him.

  10. February 15, 2010 @ 11:50 am Sienna

    Good point, Nick. My guess is that Wrestler brought his friends along to cushion the blow — you were certainly not the first person to get a peek at him and gasp in dismay. Sounds like these friends were meant to be an asset but instead were a liability. Hey, better luck next time. Get that photo!

  11. February 14, 2010 @ 12:16 am nicky

    I met a bloke once through an ad, had an attractive full mans’ voice. Agreed to go to meet him. All the way in the tram having images in my mind of the knight in shining armour. Arrive to this fourteen stone or more ex wrestler, with boring friends, and when I ask, when is the next bus back to the city, they said, “Not until tomorrow”. Thank god I had enough for a taxi. Don’t to forget to ask for a photo of him first.

  12. September 30, 2009 @ 6:14 pm Willa

    I am constantly amazed at the verbal futility older men go through because they think they have to make you think they are sexual studs. Unbelievable.


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